


Longing

by RayMire



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: F/M, POV First Person, Post-Tales of Xillia 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:22:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25838743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayMire/pseuds/RayMire
Summary: "I need to keep myself busy from thinking about you."
Relationships: Jude Mathis & Leia Rolando, Jude Mathis/Milla Maxwell
Kudos: 2





	Longing

I just realize the amount of papers on my desk is increasing. Just a few weeks ago, it wasn’t as tall as the lamp desk if I remember correctly. Now, it has passed it. 

That reminds me. When Leia visited the other day, she said how I look more tired than usual and has been pushing myself too hard. It doesn’t feel like that, though. If I did, these working papers I have on my desk wouldn’t increase. I’ve been working at the same pace as usual, maybe slower even.

But for some reason, every formula I can think of doesn’t make any sense. Even though I read the words on the paper over and over again, they aren’t sticking to my brain. Well, it seems like I’ve reached my limit. Rubbing my tired eyes as I took off the glasses, leaned on the wooden back rest of the chair, and loosened all parts of the body felt slightly relaxing. The bed is pulling me to sleep, but I can’t really sleep now. Speaking of which, I brewed coffee earlier but haven't drunk it yet.

...Geh, it’s already cold. The bitterness would taste better if the coffee was hot or ice cold. Room-temperature coffee is definitely my least favorite. Set aside the beverage, it’s time to go back to work. But before that, a deep breath in…

The glow from my GHS followed by a ringtone stops me from going back to the research. Someone’s calling?

Ah, I can do the research while taking the call. So I pick it up without bothering who it is with my left hand while I scribble the blank paper with my right. “Yes, this is Mathis speaking.”

“Ah, Jude!”

That voice…

“Leia?” I drop the pen, relaxing once again. Because when Leia calls, it usually will take a long time for her to finish so it’s not like I can concentrate without her getting mad at me for not listening. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh nothing much. Just wanna check in on you. Were you sleeping?”

The mountain paperworks at the edge of my desk are staring down at me. I can almost hear them complaining to get finished faster. 

“Uh, no. Just doing some research.”

“Research AGAIN?!” Her voice is louder this time that I have to pull the GHS away from my ear. I know when Leia’s getting angry, and it’s this time. “Hey, I told you to give it a rest didn’t I? For the love of Max–– You could get sick, Jude! Oh don’t tell me you’re still at Helioborg? It’s almost midnight!”

“I am resting, though.” There’s no clock in my room so I look at the time at the GHS. 23:45. It’s already this late? No wonder I feel so sluggish and heavy. “And I’m at my apartment right now. Just finishing up a little more.”

“Oh no you’re not. Go to sleep already.” I can tell she’s getting annoyed. Typical Leia, always worries about other people. “It’s good to hear you’re at home but… seriously take a rest.”

Leia’s really worried about me. Have I been really pushing myself too hard? It’s not a good idea to make her more worried than she already has, so… “Alright. I’ll turn myself to bed after this.”

“Yup! That’s what I liked to hear!” I imagine her grinning cheerfully with that tone of voice she just gave. “Hey uh, Jude?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you...okay?”

Her voice turns to a slight tremble, which worries me. I don’t like it when I make her worry like this. But when she asks that question, it gets me into a thought. Am I okay? When’s the last time I ever asked that question to myself?

“It’s just… Ever since what happened in Canaan, you’ve been pushing yourself even harder than before.”

...Have I? What happened in Canaan… Ah, maybe that’s the reason. Thinking about it now, my problem started no longer after _that_ event. Who knew that it would be the starting point.

“Everyone’s been really worried, you know? Since I’m the only one who can contact you more often than the others, Alvin, Elize, and Elle. Even Rowen and Gaius have been calling me lately to ask about you.”

Now that she mentions it, how is everyone? Leia often visits and Alvin calls every now and then to bother, so I know how they're doing. Elize and Elle also call but rarely, and I barely keep in contact with Rowen and Gaius. But it seems everyone’s been in contact with each other.

...Oh yeah. I never actually get to call them lately.

“Sorry, Leia. Maybe you’re right. I’ve been pushing myself. I’ll take a rest like you said.” It’s time to give up. It’s not a good decision to make everyone even worried.

“Eh? That’s good, I guess…” She still sounds unconvinced, but I really think of listening to her this time. “Jude?”

“What is it?”

“You know, the reason why you’re pushing yourself… Is it because you’re trying to distract yourself from thinking about Milla?”

My heart grows heavy so suddenly after I hear the name. Images of her start to walk into my thoughts and now I can’t get her out of my head. Milla… The truth is…

“I miss her, you know. She’s always been a part of us, isn’t she? Muzet too.”

“Yeah, they are.” I agree with what she says, and found myself smiling at her words. “I’m not distracting myself. Milla… She wouldn’t like that.”

I feel like I’ve been getting better at lying recently. To my co-workers, my family, my friends. Maybe even to myself. So much that I’ve realized the answer to all my questions today lies in one name. The answer to Leia’s question is a lie. Deep down I always know why I push myself. It’s a matter of not wanting to accept it, and it’s better to say the opposite to everyone.

But maybe I’m not fooling my childhood friend. Not even through a call.

“...Okay.” I can hear the hints of doubt in her tone, but Leia’s understanding the situation at this kind of time is for the better. Sounds to me she doesn’t want to pry for more. “Well, it’s getting late so I should hang up. Go to sleep after this call, got it?”

“I hear you. Good night, Leia.”

“Good night, Jude.”

The call ends when I hit the hang up button on the GHS. I put it back to where it was, and letting out a heavy sigh surely took the elephant’s foot off my chest.

The conversation with Leia earlier replay over and over in my head. It makes me realize that I’ve been neglecting my own health and friends not for the sake of the research, but to distract myself from thinking about her.

But if I stay still and not keep myself busy, the thought of seeing her at Canaan for what could be the last time is painful. I’m trying to convince myself too hard that it hurts myself and makes others worry.

But then, what should I do? The only thing I have of you right now is the necklace that you gave me. I know it should be more than enough, but… it’s not.

I close my eyes, whisper your name and speak my thoughts out loud.

“...I miss you, Milla.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt on making a POV First Person. Thank you for reading!! 
> 
> I really miss the couple ;;;


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